Next to the Doorknobs

Various dazed customers wander through Home Depot’s aisles. One of them identifies an employee by his orange apron, walks up to him and describes what he’s looking for. He doesn’t ask where he can find it, he just describes it, “Mortar for tile around a bathtub.”

The employee answers, “Aisle 14.”

Another customer: “A wireless doorbell.”

“Go all the way down and take a left. They’re on the right beside the smoke detectors.”

“A ratchet that can get into small places.”

“Aisle 27, near the end.”

My turn: “A peephole.”

He looks at me like I’m stupid.

“For a door.”

He looks at his feet, still somehow communicating that I’m stupid.

“Like this.” I dig out the old peephole that I’d removed from my front door earlier, a cigarette-sized cylinder with a lens on one end, and hold it up to my eye trying to simulate how one would peer out into the hallway when someone has knocked on his door. Without the door though, it looks like I’m miming someone looking through a tiny telescope.

“See. The problem is that this one has a hole in it, . . . which is kind of ironic I guess.” I hold it out for him to inspect.

He doesn’t look at it. “Aisle 35, next to the doorknobs.”

Categorized as Before


  1. I was searching the internet for this computer problem I’m having and it pointed me to your blog. I’m having the same problem with my soundcard that you had back in February (The MMJB error, going to that article about the slider, having no device driver for the audio controller installed, try to reinstall sound card driver with no effect, etc..). What did you eventually have to do? I have a gateway with pentium 4, windows crap xp, sound blaster audigy audio. I have an IT guy here at work looking into it to for me and it looks like it will end up being a Gateway guy coming over here and pretending to do something.

    It’s so screwed up since yesterday it was working fine but this morning it decided it hated me, and windows (which I can’t blame it).

  2. Kathryn: Or maybe I was messing with his head. (Ok. Probably not.)

    Ken: It turned out to be a hardware problem. I had to replace the sound card. I hope you get yours straightened out.

  3. actually i just got it to work. the technical “take it out and put it back in” worked the second time i tried it. that and searching gateway and soundblaster for drivers that work in xp.

    thanks though!

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