Dewey Defeats Kerry

["Fresh Choices" sign in abandoned Safeway.]

Some of the pre-written newspaper coverage of the election reads like a Mad Lib.


<?php
print (
  "<h1>$Winner Defeats $Loser</h1>
  <p>A victory for $Winner was all but certain, even as some polls on the west coast remained open to accomodate higher than expected voter turnout. The networks' news divisions, still reeling from their repeated mis-calls on the night of the contested 2000 election, were careful to wait until the last possible moment to project a winner for any of several swing states.</p>");
  if $Concession = 0 (
    print (
      "<p>$LoserAdvisor insisted that "$LoserAdvisorQuote" $Winner consulted with attorneys in preparation for possible $NatureOfLegalAction, a possibility that became $LegalActionLikelihood likely as the results continued to come in. According to $WinnerAdvisor, "$WinnerAdvisorQuote"</p>"
      );
    );
  elseif $Concession = 1 (
    print (
      "<p>In an early morning address, a weary $Loser told a somber crowd of supporters, "$LoserConcessionQuote"</p>
      <p>$Winner followed $Loser's concession with an acceptance speech an hour later. "$WinnerAcceptance" he told a packed $WinnerLocation.</p>"
      );
    );
?>

I’d like to see a collection of news stories that were written and then withheld from publication because they failed to happen.

One thought on “Dewey Defeats Kerry

  1. Ah ha! Priceless. Mad Libs! I haven’t thought of those since I was a nanny, back through the 80s. Yes, it would be interesting to see what else was “withheld from publication,” wouldn’t it.

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